Armadillo

Armadillo attacks are no joke. As an Armadillo entrée you'll be dished up raw!

It'll take an Armadillo around 480 hours to consume an average sized human body... and that's assuming he doesn't save some for later. The wise Armadillo of the forest will see to it that you're spread as breakfast, lunch and dinner over the course of 2-3 weeks.

There's a good chance you'll be alive for the first week while dehydration takes it's toll and Armadillo's nibble away menacingly in a torturous fashion as they laugh sinisterly amongst themselves at their newfound victims inability to escape deaths grasp.

Had you done your due diligence prior to relocation you would have learnt of the frequent Armadillo attacks in the region and thus extended your lifespan extensively. But alas, it is too late. It's no wonder the house was so cheap! It's right on the cusp of the Armadillo hoards nest and you had no idea until the title deed had been transferred.

Your chance of survival is slim. I'd say there's somewhere in the region of a 0.1 - 0.5% chance of survival. You might aswell offer yourself openly and without struggle to the Armadillo king in hopes he spares your life and sees to it you earn a title of honor and are allowed to continue living as you had intended, granted a provisional taxation of food produce be supplied on a monthly basis.

It sure sounds like extortion but that's the cost of living in Armadillo territory. If submitting to extortion is off the table you'll just have to run and see how long you survive.